


The Final Form of Love

by gleefulfan



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, post-reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:12:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleefulfan/pseuds/gleefulfan
Summary: After they've reunited, Aaron notices Robert acting a bit strangely and forces an important conversation





	The Final Form of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Originally part of Robron Secret Santa 2017, for iamarobronniffler
> 
> This is set immediately after a spring Robron reunion and does deal with Seb and a potential Aaron/Seb relationship, among other issues
> 
> Title from Reinhold Niebuhr - "Forgiveness is the final form of love"

Aaron should have noticed sooner.

In his defense, it had been a very long and at time very painful year and he didn’t want to go round looking for new problems. So when he woke up the morning after their reunion and Robert was gone, he didn’t think anything of it. Last night had been the best sleep Aaron had had in months and it was later than he’d normally wake up. Robert must have gone downstairs for coffee or some cereal, and Aaron threw on some joggers and a shirt to find him.

It turned out Robert was in the kitchen, but the smell of burning bacon and cursing told Aaron something more elaborate had been in the works. Robert’s face told the story, though it was still nice to see him light up when he caught sight of Aaron.

“We’ve got plenty of people round here who can burn the bacon, I thought you were here to cook it properly.” Aaron moved in for a kiss, soft and languid, and rested his arms on Robert’s shoulders as Robert placed his hands on Aaron’s hips.

“Sorry, I wanted to bring you breakfast in bed, but then Vic called to say she was taking Seb to Diane’s and Nicola called about a haulage contract and Gerry called to see if it was safe to come back yet and everything got away from me.”

Aaron laughed at Robert’s earnest rambling. “It’s fine, we can just go to the cafe. Or …” Aaron said, pulling Robert in tighter, eliminating the separation between them. “We could forget the food and go back to bed.” They kissed again, urgency rising, and Aaron felt Robert’s hands moving back to reach his arse before Robert pulled away.

“I wish I could,” he said, giving Aaron one more quick kiss. “But I have to pick up Seb in an hour and I have to pick up the haulage contracts first so I can work on them while I have him.”

“Guess I shouldn’t have slept so late.” Aaron was a bit disappointed, but obviously their lives couldn’t exactly be put on hold on a random Wednesday morning. It was too bad they hadn’t reunited on a Friday or Saturday night, when they could have had a proper lie-in.

“I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you,” Robert said. “This weekend I’m all yours.”

“Don’t worry about it, we’ve got all the time in the world.” Aaron gave him one last kiss before going to get showered and dressed to start his own day. Life wasn’t going to just stop for either of them, no matter how much they might want it to. But at least now they would be facing it together.

***

Robert did make up for it, bringing Aaron breakfast in bed that Saturday morning, which took all morning to eat because of more than one bout of lovemaking interrupting the meal. It wasn’t until Sunday morning that Aaron woke up and realized that Robert was already out of bed again. Previously, they’d tended to wake up around the same time, and neither of them had been shy about waking the other up in any number of ways. But so far Robert had been out of bed every morning before Aaron had woken.

After getting out of bed, Aaron found Robert cleaning the kitchen of all things. Robert claimed he hadn’t gotten to it yesterday and didn’t want to leave them with it before the new week started. Robert was the neatest out of all of them, but this seemed a bit much, even for him. Aaron asked him if anything was wrong and Robert claimed that there wasn’t, that he was just being efficient. And what had convinced Aaron, at least for a while, was that there really didn’t seem to be any problems.

The time they were spending together, both in and out of bed, was amazing. All of the passion, the unique connection they’d shared, it had all been back since that first night. Even Liv had kept her comments to a minimum and Robert was working on earning her forgiveness as well. Aaron knew it was only a matter of time. That Sugden charm was impossible to resist.

They hadn’t discussed Sebastian much beyond that first night, when Aaron had told Robert that he understood that the two were a package deal now. Twice he’d told Robert he was welcome to bring Seb with him to the Mill, but Robert had demurred, saying Vic was happy to keep him now that he was sleeping through the night. Aaron hadn’t felt like it was his place to push this issue, and figured Robert would broach it when he was ready.

With their lives on track again, Aaron hadn’t wanted to burst his own little bubble of happiness. But as the circles under Robert’s eyes got darker and darker, Aaron realized that he’d yet to see Robert asleep, even though they were in the same bed night after night. And he seemed to be running at 100 miles an hour practically all the time. There was always something he had to do, for Aaron, for Seb, for Liv, for the business.

Even if Aaron was content and Robert claimed to be, something wasn’t right. Aaron tried to talk to Robert, but he’d insisted that there wasn’t a problem, that yes he was busy but happily so. Aaron hadn’t wanted to push him so soon after getting back together and dropped it.

***

Eventually Aaron decided to talk to Vic, in the hopes that she might have some insight into how Robert was doing when he wasn’t with Aaron. But when he reached Keepers Cottage, he found Victoria worked up and on the phone. “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she said, hanging up as she threw various items into her purse.

“Vic, what’s wrong?” There were tears in her eyes and it briefly made Aaron think the worst.

“Doug and Diane have been in a car accident. Doug’s okay but they’re afraid Diane’s broken her hip. I need to get to the hospital.” A small part of Aaron was relieved that the call wasn’t about Robert. Of course he was concerned about Diane’s well-being, but in his head to two simply didn’t compare.

“Do you need me to drive you there? Should I call Robert?” Robert was in meetings in Hotten all day, probably closer to the hospital than they were.

“Doug’s already called him, he’d headed there now.” Vic paused for a moment before continuing, seemingly unsure if she should say what was on the tip of her tongue. “I hate to ask, but could you watch Seb? He’s asleep and I don’t want to wake him.”

“Of course,” Aaron said without a second thought. “You go, I’ll stay with him.” A hospital waiting room was no place for a baby. And Aaron had to spend some one-on-one time with him at some point. Robert and Vic should be focused on Diane and this was where he could be the most helpful. Aaron wasn’t going to back down from what he’d said to Robert about them being a package deal, even if they hadn’t really tackled it yet beyond words.

“Thank you so much, here’s his bag,” Victoria said, handing Aaron a bag full of baby essentials. “Do you need me to go over anything?”

Aaron gave her a look. “I’ve looked after Leo loads of time, just go.”

Vic grabbed her purse and headed towards the door. “Thanks, call if you need anything!”

After Vic left, Aaron made his way into the room where Sebastian was sleeping soundly. Looking down on him, Aaron could see the resemblance to Robert starting to develop. “Hey there,” Aaron whispered. “Guess it’s time we got to know each other.”

***

Figuring it was best to let sleeping babies lie, Aaron had hung around Vic’s place until Sebastian woke up. Once Seb was awake, Aaron packed up anything he thought he might need and headed back to the Mill, baby carrier in hand. Liv and Gerry had agreed to stay at the Woolpack tonight, which seemed easiest for all concerned.

He’d heard Robert say it before, but Sebastian genuinely was a well-behaved baby. He hardly cried and he smiled and laughed whenever Aaron tickled him or made a funny face. It made him wonder if Robert had been similar when he was that age. It’s hard for Aaron to imagine Robert ever being well-behaved. Sebastian was just short of six months now, and If Aaron was remembering right, that was around when Robert lost his birth mother.

Aaron wondered how much babies affected by such a loss, if Robert had felt the loss of a mother until Sarah came into his life a few years later. Was Sebastian missing Rebecca right now? Or did he feel enough love from Robert and Vic and Diane and the rest to make up for that?

Aaron sat the carrier on the table as he made himself tea, with enough left over for Robert whenever he made it back from the hospital. Aaron had been getting text updates from him, but it wasn’t the same as being there in person to support him. But it didn’t sound like Diane was in too bad a shape and Vic was there now as well, so everyone could support each other through this.

After Aaron had eaten, Sebastian started crying and after a quick check, Aaron surmised that Seb was ready to eat as well. Aaron got a bottle of formula warmed up and held Seb in his arms to feed him. As he looked down on Seb, a mix of emotions washed over Aaron. They came from all different directions, making it difficult to know what he was really feeling.

Aaron tried to take stock of these feelings without letting them control him, the way his counsellor had taught him. He felt weird, obviously, this was definitely different than just babysitting Leo. He and Leo had a clearly defined relationship and he and Seb definitely did not. There was sadness for both of them, stuck in situations so far from ideal. There had been so much pain surrounded by Sebastian’s conception and birth, for everyone. That couldn’t be erased.

But there was affection, too, for this part of Robert in his arms. Aaron loved Robert more than anything, how could he not care about his son? Aaron wanted this child to have the opportunities he and Robert never got. He wanted Sebastian to be raised right, by people like Paddy and Sarah, who had loved them and done things the right way.

A few hours later, Aaron had the television on low as Sebastian slept beside him. Robert walked in quietly, looking like death warmed over. Aaron stood up and pulled him into a hug the moment he reached Robert. Robert sagged into him, practically forcing Aaron to help keep him upright. Aaron guided them over to the couch and sat them both down.

“Dianie’s going to be ok, right?” Aaron asked first. That’s what Robert had indicated in his texts.

“Yeah,” he said. “It’ll take a few months before she’s totally recovered, but no lasting damage.”

Aaron saw the toll this had taken on Robert beyond whatever he had already been dealing with. He was hurting and Aaron wanted to help but he had no idea how. He knew this wasn’t an ideal time to push but he also couldn’t stand to see Robert bottling this up anymore.

“Robert, please tell me what’s wrong,” Aaron said quietly, rubbing Robert’s back. “I know it’s more than just Diane.”

“I’m fine,” Robert said hoarsely. “Just haven’t been sleeping.”

If there was one thing Aaron couldn’t handle in this moment, it was more lies. That was exactly what had ruined them in the past and things were supposed to be different now. “Why are you lying?” Aaron hissed, trying not to wake Sebastian despite his desire to yell. “Whatever it is just fucking tell me. This is exactly what we can’t do anymore, not if we want this to work.”

“That’s just it,” Robert choked out, tears in his eyes. “I know this isn’t going to work. I’ve been trying so hard, but I’m going to fuck it up.”

The anger drained away from Aaron in an instant. “Rob, why would you think that?”

“Just look at my track record. How many relationships have I fucked up? How many times have I fucked up with you, only for you to forgive me? Eventually, even you will get sick of it.”

“I won’t. And I’ve fucked up too and you’ve forgiven me.”

Robert looked over to where Sebastian was still sleeping nearby. “You literally spent the evening taking care a child that came out of me cheating on you. How could anything compare to that?”

Aaron took Robert’s hands into his own. He hadn’t known Robert was so worried about him dealing with Seb. “I told ya, I know Seb is part of your life and that means he’s going to be part of mine. Did you think I was lying?”

“No, of course not,” Robert said. “But saying it in the heat of the moment is different from living it. You said it yourself, he’s always going to be a reminder of what I did.”

Aaron sighed. He hadn’t wanted to tell Robert what he was about to say, but clearly he needed to hear it. Aaron had thought that Robert wouldn’t want to hear how he’d struggle over Seb, but if he was this stressed over it, maybe it would help. “A few days before we got back together, I think we both knew things were headed that way.” Robert gave a small nod of agreement.

“And I wasn’t sure what to do, because I knew I wanted you but I didn’t know if I could handle Sebastian. I wanted to accept it and him in theory but I was worried about what it’d do to my head. Didn’t want a repeat of last summer. So I went to talk to Paddy.”

“I’m sure he gave me a ringing endorsement,” Robert said, sniffling.

“It wasn’t about you, ya moppet,” Aaron said, rolling his eyes. “I asked Paddy why he let me stay with him, after my mum cheated on him and left him for Carl. He owed me nothing, less than nothing really, but he still took me in. And I was horrible to him, worse than Liv’s ever been, and still he kept trying.” Aaron had to fight to keep his voice steady. “And do you know what he said?”

Robert didn’t answer, just shook his head.

“Paddy said when he looked at me, he didn’t see my mum or what she’d done. He didn’t see all the things I’d put him through. He just saw a child that needed someone to love him and he couldn’t turn away from that.”

They both had tears in their eyes, but Aaron kept going. Now that they’d started, he had to get this out. Robert needed to understand. “Where would we be without people who loved us anyway? Despite our birth parents or the circumstances we faced or our own actions? Paddy loved me and he saved me and I think Sarah did the same for you. They didn’t bring us into the world but they loved us anyway. And I want to love Sebastian anyway.”

Robert smiled through tears and Aaron could see some of the tension leaving his body, tension that he’d probably been holding since they’d reunited. “You remind me of her,” Robert said, running a hand through Aaron’s hair. “The only people who have loved me unconditionally. I don’t deserve it.”

Aaron leaned forwards until their foreheads met. “You do. Everyone does.” Robert moved up to kiss him, gently, their lips hardly moving but just enjoying the contact. This felt like home to Aaron in a way nothing else ever had. A noise from Sebastian interrupted them and they pulled away, but with smiles on their faces. “I guess we’ll have to get used to that.”

Robert stood up to check on Sebastian. “Don’t worry,” he said to Seb as he picked him up, but really to Aaron. “They’ll be plenty of sleepovers at Auntie Vic’s so Daddy and Aaron can have alone time, won’t there?”

“I’m not all the way there yet,” Aaron admitted, watching Robert sway back and forth with Sebastian in his arms. “That negative stuff, from before he was born, that’s gone, but there’s still a distance. I don’t want there to be, I really don’t.”

“Well, you haven’t spent any time with him,” Robert said. “That’s my fault. I was scared of losing you again and I tried to be a dad and be with you without having them intersect.”

“And what was the long-term plan?” Aaron asked. Robert’s plans were so dumb sometimes, Aaron wondered how they ever succeeded. “Were you going to live like that forever?”

“I don’t know,” Robert admitted. “I just knew I couldn’t give either of you up.”

Needing to touch Robert again, Aaron stood up and rested a hand on Robert’s shoulder. “You won’t have to.”

“I’m so tired, Aaron,” Robert whispered. “I just don’t want to have to fight it anymore.”

Aaron wasn’t sure exactly what Robert was referring to, but he knew that above everything else, Robert needed to sleep. “Here give him to me,” Aaron said, taking Sebastian out of Robert’s arms. “You should go rest.”

“Will you come up with me?” Robert asked, eyes looking at him plaintively. Aaron had never heard him sound so much like a child in need of comfort.

“Course,” Aaron said. “Let me just call Vic to come get him and then I’ll be up.” There wasn’t anywhere for Seb to sleep at the Mill, something they probably needed to fix sooner rather than later.

Robert kissed him on the forehead and then started towards the stairs. By the time Aaron made it up there twenty minutes later, Robert was already fast asleep. Aaron slid in beside him, wrapping an arm around Robert so he’d know Aaron was there with him.

***

When Aaron woke up the next morning, he was relieved to find Robert still asleep beside him. They’d moved closer during the night, and Robert’s hair at the back of his head was tickling Aaron’s nose. Aaron stayed there for a while, enjoying Robert’s scent and the heat of his body against Aaron’s chest.

After a while he got up and puttered around, taking a shower and making some coffee, but Robert was still asleep when he looked in on him. He texted Nicola that Robert wasn’t going to be doing any work today and checked with Vic to make sure she was ok with Seb for a while longer.

When Robert finally stirred, Aaron was lying beside him, messing around on his phone. Robert turned to him and pushed his wild bedhead away from his forehead. “What time is it?” he asked.

“Near noon,” Aaron said, shifting so that they were looking at each other. “You slept for almost twelve hours.”

“I haven’t slept that long in-” a morning yawn interrupted him. “In a long time.”

“I think you needed it.”

Robert nodded. “Is Seb … ?”

“With Vic,” Aaron said. “And I texted Nicola, so you’re not going anywhere today.”

“Thank you,” Robert said, moved a hand to Aaron’s hip. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You do,” Aaron said. He hated that Robert was still doing this. The stuff around him and Seb was a part of it but Aaron suspected that there was a bigger root cause of Robert’s problem. “I think this is where all that stress and anxiety and lack of sleep is coming from.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve forgiven you, you know that” Aaron said, running his hand through Robert’s hair. “But you haven’t forgiven yourself. And you have to, so we can move forward. Otherwise this will just keep happening.”

Robert didn’t say anything for the longest time and Aaron just laid there beside him, waiting patiently, stroking his hair. Finally, Robert whispered, “How can I?”

“You just have to let go,” Aaron said. “Let go of Rebecca and Kasim and Chrissie. And let go of Andy and Katie and Jack. And let go of old Robert and old Aaron. They’re not here anymore. It’s just us now.”

Robert’s eyes had gotten glassy while Aaron was talking and he could only nod before the tears started falling. Aaron pulled him close, wrapping both arms around him tightly. Robert clung to Aaron’s shirt as he cried, sobs wracking his body like Aaron had never seen before with Robert. It was hard to watch, but Aaron knew it was necessary.

Slowly, Robert started to calm down and Aaron let him go so he could wipe away the remaining tears and snot. Robert was sitting on the bed facing away from Aaron, taking a few deep breaths. “How do you feel now?” Aaron asked.

“Better, I think,” Robert said. “It’s just a lot.”

“Yeah, crying usually helps.”

Robert looked back at him. “When did you get so smart?”

“Hmm, maybe it’s the years of professional counselling?” Aaron debated whether or not to add what else he was thinking. But if he was thinking it, he should say it. As casually as he could he added, “Maybe you should try it.”

“Maybe,” Robert said as he stood, but it didn’t have that dismissive tone that Robert would have once used in response to such a suggestion. It was definitely worth bringing up again another time.

“Ahhh!” Robert yelled after taking a step, falling back down on the bed and grabbing his left calf.

“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked. He stood up and walked over to Robert’s side of the bed.

“Just a cramp,” Robert said, reaching down to massage his calf. “I think I’m dehydrated.”

“Crying, sleeping for twelve hours, and then crying again will do that to ya,” Aaron said.

“Will you shut up and help me downstairs?”

Robert threw an arm around Aaron and Aaron helped him stand. “C’mon old man,” Aaron said playfully and Robert tentatively took a step forward, with Aaron helping to hold him up. “I’ve got ya.”

Epilogue

It had been almost a week and Robert was beginning to feel like his old self again. Well, his new old self. It was still confusing in his head, but mostly he was trying to do whatever Aaron thought was best and that was working pretty well so far.

Aaron had mentioned Robert seeing someone professionally the day after his crying fit and Robert had said he’d think about it. It was the last thing he’d ever imagined himself doing, but if it would help him and help the two of them, he needed to just bite the bullet and say yes.

But first, there was something else he had to do, something he’d had to work up a fair amount of courage for. He’d waited until he knew Marlon would be at work before knocking on the door to Tall Trees Cottage.

A few seconds later, Paddy opened the door and it was obvious Robert was one of the last people he’d expected to find. “What do you want?” Paddy asked, in that tone that he reserved only for people he truly loathed.

“I won’t take up much of your time,” Robert said, wanting to get this out before Padd slammed the door in his face. “And I know we’ll probably never get past the things I’ve done.”

“That’s a nice, vague way of putting it,” Paddy interjected.

“I just wanted to say thank you, that’s all.”

That seemed to genuinely confuse Paddy. “For what?”

“Aaron told me, what you said to him a few weeks ago. I don’t know if you intended it to be about Seb, but it meant a lot to Aaron. So thank you for what you said, and for what you did back then.”

Paddy looked at him, as if he was trying to figure out if Robert was playing some sort of angle or something. Which, Robert thought, was a fair question to have. “I didn’t say it for your sake,” Paddy said a moment later.

“I suspected not,” Robert said, but it did make him wonder. “So then why?”

“I knew you two were going to get back together. Pretty much everyone knew at that point, you aren’t exactly subtle. But if it was going to happen, then Aaron deserved to love that child as if it were his own and Sebastian deserved to be loved like that. I just pointed Aaron in that direction.”

“Well, I won’t take up any more of your day,” Robert said, not wanting to get emotional in front of Paddy Kirk of all people.

Robert had taken a few steps away from the cottage when Paddy called out after him. “And to be honest, I wouldn’t want to live in a village with a child raised solely by you. Who knows what horrors that could have brought.”

Robert laughed. Paddy was probably right. God willing, they wouldn’t have to find out.


End file.
